Netherlands 3-2 Uruguay

Posted: July 6, 2010 in World Cup
Tags: , , , ,


Now we know why co-commentators exist. It’s so that we don’t have to listen to Clive/Peter for a full 90 minutes.

Jim Beglin’s illness this evening was probably the single worst thing to happen to football since the collapse of ITV Digital. I wanted to put “since Hillsborough” there but I thought I might offend someone. So, y’know. I can be sensitive too.

Right, first off, I think that I was able to discern who tonight’s commentator was. I think it was Peter Drury. Think. Over the course of this World Cup I’ve been able to distinguish Clive and Peter on a pompous vs stupidly pompous scale. Peter falls into the latter. Peter says things like “BYE BYE BIG AMERICAN SIGH” and “THEY’LL DANCE TIL DAWN” as though he’s narrating a film trailer for Transformers 3 or something. You almost expect him to announce the teams by saying things like “FEATURING LIONEL MESSI…BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MAN BEHIND ‘THE HAND OF GOD’…WINNER OF FOUR COPA AMERICAS”. So I think this was Peter.

You let us down, Beglin. Illness? Fucking illness? You’d best have something serious, is all I can say, because sitting through 90 minutes of non-stop Drury was worse than the black death. And I should know. I was there.

It was kind of like a man whistling in the dark to keep himself from getting scared. It was desperate. It was a non-stop drone of nonsense that led to several loud shouts of “FUCK OFF” to the television. Forlan has hit the best freekick in the tournament so far has he? So do Japan’s two belters not count? Oh but then I suppose neither Endo or Honda have played in the Premier League so how foolish of me to think you’d consider them. A freekick that a keeper should have saved is much better than either of those goals.

Why wouldn’t he shut up. God. To quote the missus, “silence is your friend”. Fucking use it.

I think there was a game going on behind this but it was hard to discern it. What’s that term for the torture technique they used in Guantanamo Bay where they subjected prisoners to loud/annoying music? That was what this was like. That’s right ITV, your match coverage was worse than Guantanamo. I’d rather be waterboarded than sit through that again.

Okay so anyway this was my first look at Holland. Or the Netherlands. I’ve never really understood why they go by two names. I’m sure I could discover this really, a bit like why Switzerland have .ch as their URL, but I prefer to live in ignorance. It was suggested that the .ch stood for cheese.

It was a kind of unsatisfying game. This is probably because I wanted Uruguay to win, mainly because of the love I feel for Diego Forlan but also because Holland, like Spain, just seem really unlikeable. It’s a hard-to-define quality, but it’s there. Arjen Robben is admirable but a little bit of an arse. Not in the full-on poncey twat way like Cristiano Ronaldo, or the “oh look how perfect I am” Kaka, just a bit of a dick. His prematurely bald bonce worries me. Dirk Kuyt looks like Sloth from the Goonies and usually plays a bit like him too. Van Persie’s arse-like qualities are long-documented. Probably the best thing to happen during United’s ill-fated single-season in the Premier League was when Chris Morgan (the real Chris Morgan, not the Brazilian one) belted Van Persie off the ball and got away with it. We won 1-0 as well.

Sneijder I like. He’s clearly a great player, might even win the golden boot. Van Bommel is another dick though. I can’t believe it took until the 94th minute for the ref to flash the yellow card at him. Their goalkeeper is called Sticklebrick.

Great goal by “Geo” Van Bronckhurst though (I sometimes wonder if anybody has ever called Van Bronkhurst “Geo”, or Emmanuel Petit “Manu”, or Zidane “Zizou”, or the rest, or whether it’s just commentators). I wasn’t really paying attention and then suddenly the ball was in the back of the net, one of the best goals of the tournament so far. Then Diego made it interesting with another thunderbolt that the keeper should probably have saved (again). Diego’s goals just seem to keep getting further and further out. If this were a league then he’d probably be taking goalkicks by the 15th game.

I thought it was pretty even after that. Holland have a bit more star quality (particularly without Suarez for Uruguay) so were probably always more likely to break through, although when they eventually did it came moments after Forlan had forced another good save, and arrived in fortuitous circumstances. Van Persie looked suspiciously offside – although to be fair to the linesman it was a lot closer than I first thought – and there was no doubt he’d attempted to play the ball and thus done away with all that “active/passive” bullshit. At first I thought he’d deflected it in. This expected offside decision, coupled with the fact I was sort of rooting for Uruguay, left me rather deflated when I realised it had indeed been given.

Probably a good job that the Dutch got another then, a far better goal beautifully headed in by Robben who did have a very good game, penis that he is. There was still time for Pereira to pull one back from a nicely-worked freekick, and then a few scary scrambles in the Dutch box, but Holland probably deserved their win. I think they’ll get bummed by Germany or Spain in the final though, but what can you do.


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