Do Not Want

Posted: May 29, 2010 in Do Not Want
Tags: , , ,

Here are some things that I don’t want to see/hear during the 2010 World Cup:

Vuvuzelas: they made every minute I saw of the Confederations Cup, which admittedly was about 12, frigging annoying. It’s kind of like inserting a live wasp into your ear, and continuing to insert wasps into that ear until they’ve either stung your brain into submission or you’ve actually died. In fact, while we’re at it, can we impose a blanket ban on all musical devices during football. Trumpets, drums, trombones, those stupid plastic horns that kids aren’t allowed to go to Wembley without blowing for 90 minutes, even those “old school” rattle things can go. But not air-horns. I like air-horns. In fact there should be more. I’ve liked air-horns ever since one of my old housemates blasted his out of his bedroom window while having sex. There are certain things that stay with you through life and well, I’m glad that’s one of them.

Kaka’s religion: we get it mate, “you belong to Jesus”. Are you supposed to be better than me because of that? Eh? Fuck off. If you celebrate a goal in any overtly religious way I shall curse you until the end of my days, curse you to all my heathen gods.

Any on-going transfer saga that has no relevance to international football: Cesc Fabregas, I’m looking at you.

Mark Lawrenson

England getting knocked out in the usual fashion: there are 3 ways for England to get knocked out: as a result of a glaring error by one of their own; a moment of refereeing controversy; and on penalties. Occasionally they combine all 3 into one glorious explosion of torturous self-loathing. I swear I saw Gerrard in tears when Lampard missed that first penalty in 2006. In fact I’m going to go and find that shootout on Youtube after this to confirm whether that actually happened or not. Dear England, when you get knocked out, please do so to a patently superior team and preferably by a scoreline of 3-0 where all three goals are absolute belters that no defender or keeper in the world could prevent. Apart from Phil Jagielka.

ITV cross-promotion: please, please do not link your match coverage to whatever’s on next eg “and if you want something to calm the nerves after that, well, Emmerdale is on in just a few minutes”. When Five segued from commentary about a heavy foul to that night’s Van Damme punchfest, it was so bad it was funny. You’re just bad.

Maradona to actually turn out to be a boring bastard: don’t do it Diego. Snort coke, run over another cameraman, bellyslide when your team score, kick Messi in the balls, go nuts. The World Cup needs you.

The words “for me” to be used as substitute for “in my opinion”: I don’t know who started this, and I sure don’t know who spread it all around the BBC and thus all around football as we now know it like the AIDS virus, only worse, but I’m stopping it. “He just hasn’t done enough there, for me.” I’m sorry? Is everything he does, done for you and you alone? Are you his dad? “For me”, christ.

Yeah expect this to be a running feature.

Edit: I knew I wasn’t making that up. Go to 1.20 in this, he was in tears. And he was taking the next penalty! No wonder we lost.

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